Beyond “DEATH and Dying” – Part 4

Bargaining

The previous installment[i] introduced the concept of hope as a key to managing grief and assisting the individual to move from ANGER into the BARGAINING stage. This segment will expand beyond the concepts discussed by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in “On Death and Dying”.  With her focus on terminally ill patients, she talks about “entering into some sort of an agreement which may postpone the inevitable”.[ii] She states that these “bargains” are generally made with their God and goes on to give examples of  mothers that want to live long enough to see their daughter married, or new grandchild born, etc.

There is a further opportunity for those providing services for seniors who have already suffered losses.  They may utilize the natural desire/need to bargain by presenting realistic options as positive alternatives for current or future residents. Success is achieved when the senior begins to approach each new day with HOPE for positive experiences instead of focusing only on their “losses”.

The following guidelines should be considered when negotiating a bargain and building hope for these seniors:

  • We can’t replace their loss – DON’T TRY!

Think of the parent who buys a new puppy to relieve their child’s sorrow over the death of a pet.  The child may initially reject the new pet feeling that paying attention to the new puppy is disloyal to the memory of their “friend”.  Ultimately, the child will learn to love the new pet – not as a replacement – but because of its own unique qualities.

  • Don’t minimize the loss; no one else can determine the relative importance of a particular loss to the individual.

How often have you heard someone say (well-meaning, of course), “Oh, it’s not that important; you’re spending too much time thinking about that”, etc.?  Whether the senior lost a favorite piece of jewelry, a loved one, or the ability to drive their own car, that loss is real to them.

  • BARGAIN = COMPROMISE.  The secret is to demonstrate enough value to be gained by your proposal that will offset what the senior believes they are giving up.

For instance, older adults who are asked to give up their personal residence will seldom see enough value to offset the loss of the home by simply emphasizing the “real estate” aspects of the senior living community.  As Jason Popko observes:  a HOUSE is an “object that can be bought and sold” while a HOME has “meaning and attachment to … personal living space” that can’t be “bought or sold”.

The new building may even be better, safer, etc. than the original, but the individual won’t/can’t hear that at this stage.  Smart marketers will focus on lifestyle, the benefits of socialization, interactive activity programs, etc.

  • Don’t create false hopes with unrealistic expectations.

It is tempting to make promises, especially when trying to convince a prospect to move in, but make sure you can deliver what you promise.  Otherwise, the short-term gain will be far offset by the negative reputation that will be generated.

  • Grieving is a complex emotional process, but don’t be afraid to try and help.  Understand that it’s natural for the person to slip backwards into DENIAL and ANGER. Don’t take it personally.

Remember that HOPE is the KEY and TRY AGAIN!

  • Begin building relationships in the marketing process.  Then draw upon the knowledge gained to generate attractive options as the resident experiences the inevitable losses that come with aging.

The ability to convey compassion, show support, communicate an understanding of the grief process and present creative options will facilitate move-ins and reduce move-outs.

  • ALWAYS, treat the senior with dignity and respect and don’t insult their intelligence.

There is a tendency by some in the industry to “talk down” to the residents and treat them somewhat like children:  “Now, honey, you don’t want to do that…”   Respect their ability to understand the significance of their loss and the value of the proposed alternatives.

CASE STUDY: Jim lost his wife Tammy a little over a year ago.  He has been in declining health for a number of years with deteriorating eyesight (in fact, he is “legally” blind), but his wife had always promised him that she would take care of him and that he would never have to go into a nursing home.

Jim was a successful sales executive who used to be the “life of the party”, was active in his church, and attended all his college’s home games.  Due to his eyesight, he had to forgo these activities and retrofitted his 2-story colonial with a first floor bedroom.

Jim’s son Dale and his family moved in to take care of Jim.  But, both Dale and his wife work and Jim is often left at home with little to do all day.   Jim’s upset because Tammy often sat and had an afternoon “toddy” with him, but now everyone seems to have their own priorities with little time for him.

Some days Jim tries to do the things he “used to do”; this often causes additional problems (e.g. he fell and broke several lamps). Other days, he is angry with the grandchildren for being too loud, leaving their “stuff” in the way, etc. He is frustrated because he no longer seems in control of his “own home”.

Dale has come to you for help.  He has confided that several other communities stated that Jim seems like too much of a problem and they either want too much money for “specialized care” or said they aren’t interested in him as a potential resident; one even suggested that Dale contact a nursing home.

How would YOU handle this situation?

Please CLICK HERE to post your comments and suggestions.


[i]Beyond ‘DEATH and Dying’ – Part 3   Anger

[ii] “On Death and Dying”, Chapter V, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D., originally published in 1969